My older sister is pregnant! Yea! This is fabulous for lots of reasons, not the least of which was that I was able to take trip to Arizona for her baby shower. Double yea! For said baby shower, she asked if I would give the devotional. I said I would, but only if we could call it something else. Giving the devotional implies you have wisdom, and lots of it, from years of hard fought parenting. I have parented for barely 8 years. There are shoes in my closet that have seen more action. My boys are young and most of my parenting consists of reminding them that pants are necessary and that, yes, you may wrestle with his brother, but, no, you may not sit on his head. While physically tiring and oftentimes mentally draining, I know the emotionally taxing parenting is still to come. Read: Middle School and girls and "the talk." So when I agreed to speak about what I know about parenting, I insisted we call it a spiel (a Yiddish word that means to persuade, like a sales pitch). I'm not sure I persuaded anyone of anything, except, perhaps, how much I have to learn, but I think I was able to persuade my sister that parenting is awesome and tough and, in the end, she'll be great at it.
Here is what I know....
1. Start as you mean to continue, but have the flexibility to change if necessary.
When the baby is born, there are a few things you know you want to do. In our house, those things included eating dinner together at the table, reading before bed, insisting on good manners, and, most importantly, showing Jesus and His love in every way possible. Outside of these things, its been a parenting grab bag. Shortly after Benjamin was born, a friend of mine, who had her first baby at the same time, asked what kind of parenting method we use. My response was "survival parenting." We do the best we can for that individual child with the information, knowledge, and wisdom we have at that time. If, at the end of the day, he's fed, safe, and happy, then we've done an ok job. (Notice I did not say clothed.) There are a lot of fantastic parenting philosophies out there, but the most important thing to remember, is that your child is an individual with an amazingly designed personality. Be a student of him, know his likes and dislikes, what his fears are, what kind of positive attention he responds to and parent accordingly. Flexibility equals sanity.
2. Make the time to be by yourself.
This is so cliche, but worth emphasizing. Make sure that you make (not find) the time to be by yourself both for spiritual nourishment and mental/ emotional nourishment. The Bible says Jesus went to a solitary place to pray and be with the Father. If God incarnate needed time to be by Himself with the Father, you most certainly will need it. (This also shows how stressful the disciples were, apparently.) Figuring out ways to get that time, however, can be tricky. Gone are the days of sitting serenely in your "quiet time spot" with your cup of coffee lingering over God's Word. In her book,
Still, Lauren Winner describes what a friend called "dislocated exegesis." "That is the practice of reading scripture in unexpected places, in places that might unsettle the assumptions you were likely to bring to the text." In other words, take it on the road and you might just be surprised at what you learn. Read a bit in the kitchen while you're making dinner, keep a Bible app on your phone and sneak in a few verses at the stop light or read while you nurse (you're not going anywhere). Pray everywhere. I've learned to pray for my boys as I sit with them while they watch tv or rub their back before bed. I pray for my husband while I'm ironing or throwing a load in the laundry. You must be creative.
Second, make the time to be by yourself just to be by yourself. For tips on how to accomplish this, I turn to my current parenting muse, Tina Fey...
Any expert will tell you, the best thing a mom can do to be a better mom is to carve out a little time for herself. Here are some great “me time” activities you can do.
*Go to the bathroom a lot.
*Offer to empty the dishwasher.
*Take ninety-minute showers. (If you only shower every three or four days, it will be easier to get away with this.)
*Say you’re going to look for the diaper crème, then go into your child’s room and just stand there until your spouse comes in and curtly says, “What are you doing?”
*Stand over the sink and eat the rest of your child’s dinner while he or she pulls at your pant leg asking or it back.
*Try to establish that you’re the only one in your family allowed to go to the post office.
*“Sleep when your baby sleeps.” Everyone knows this classic tip, but I say why stop there? Scream when your baby screams. Take Benadryl when your baby takes Benadryl. And walk around pantless when your baby walks around pantless.
*Read! When your baby is finally down for the night, pick up a juicy book like Eat, Pray, Love or Pride and Prejudice or my personal favorite, Understanding Sleep Disorders: Narcolepsy and Apnea; A Clinical Study. Taking some time to read each night really taught me how to feign narcolepsy when my husband asked me what my “plan” was for taking down the Christmas tree.
Just implementing four or five of these little techniques will prove restorative and give you the
energy you need to not drink until nighttime.
3. You are standard by which your son will judge all other women.
This scares me. A lot. I try to think of it as a honor and a privilege, but, really its downright terrifying. Right now, my three boys are loved and cared for by lots of outstanding women, but I am the only one they see on an up-close, day to day, hour by hour basis. How I treat myself (my relationship with food, how I treat my body), my relationship with their dad, how I interact with others that I come into contact with, and my relationship with Jesus are all being soaked in. One day, hopefully, a long time from now, when they begin to see girls as something more than cootie carriers, they will take what they saw and decide if it was worth
seeking out in a potential mate.
Dear Jesus, please let me set a standard worthy of you! Of course, if they choose a wife who is nothing like me, then I guess I'll know how well I've done my job!
4. Never underestimate the value of overvaluing your child.
I read this spectacular book this summer called The Middle Place by Kelly Corrigan.
In it, she describes her dad....
"I think people like him because his default setting is open delight. He's prepared to be wowed - by your humor, your smarts, your white teeth, even your handshake - guaranteed, something you do is going to thrill him...People walk away from him feeling like they're on their game, even if they suspect that he put them there. He does that for me too. He makes me feel smart, funny, and beautiful, which has become the job of the few men who have loved me since. He told me once that I was a great talker. And so I was. I was a conversationalist, along with "creative," a notion he put in my head when I was in grade school and used to make huge, intricate collages from his old magazines. He defined me first, as parents do. Those early characterizations can become the shimmering self-image we embrace or the limited, stifling perception we rail against for a lifetime. In my case, he sees me as I would like to be seen. In fact, I'm not even sure what's true about me, since I have always chosen to believe his version."
My parents were like this, and my mom is still my go to person when I need to know that I'm the best mom ever, or that I am, indeed, capable of writing the great American novel if my kids would just let me be. :) My mom and dad disciplined me to be sure, but I always felt valued, important, and somehow special. The world is a big and scary place, and it is not going to give your child the sense of love and value he desperately needs to face it. So, overdo it. Let him know what a fantastic lego builder he is, how much you appreciate him not peeing all over the bathroom floor even if the seat is soaked, show him how funny you think he is when he does the running man in the hallway when he's supposed to be in bed, or tell him how sweet his freckles are. Be excited about him and praise him for anything and everything.
5. Grant yourself grace.
You will fail at all of the other four things at some point and, some times, in one day. It will happen. You know what? Its ok. For realz. Trust me. Some days, just washing your hair and shaving your legs in the same day is enough to call yourself Wonder Woman. Parenting is crazy intense work and it is not for the faint of heart or the perfectionist. As I was thinking about this, it came to mind that when Jesus came, he chose to come to a first time mom. I'm sure there were lots of other God-fearing women who were more experienced mothers than Mary, and, yet, God picked her. He picked her because she was willing and available. He handled the rest. As much as we love our kids, God loves them more, and knows them better than we will ever know them. Happily for us, He freely grants wisdom to parent them, minute by insane minute.
My mom used to tell me there were things that she did that she knew were going to scar us for life and, yet, we hardly remember them. On the flip side, however, there are things that were turning points in our lives or things that made a huge impact on us, that she doesn't remember. Bottom line is: you never know what is going to put your kids in therapy or what will propel them to achieve greatness. You just have to do your best and pray. A lot.
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| My sister and my nephew! |
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So that's what I know. What advice would you give first time moms?
