It Was Necessary

I can count the number of times I've heard the literal voice of God on two, maybe, three fingers, but that morning was most definitely one of them.  Micah was asleep in his car seat and in an effort to keep him that way, I drove over to the cemetery near the preschool.  Elizabeth had been gone two years, but due to the proximity to the school, it wasn't uncommon for me to stop by for a quiet moment or two with my baby girl.  I quietly wondered around the infant plots for a few minutes and got back in the van. As I drove out of the cemetery, the still small voice spoke loudly:

It was necessary.

This is going to sound odd, crazy and slightly cold even, but I've often thought of Elizabeth not just as our only daughter but also as a very significant chapter in our lives. An it, as it were.  I knew when God spoke that morning he wasn't specifically referring to her, but to the chapter of her, the experience of her.  Everything, from the moment of her conception, to her diagnosis, to her birth, was necessary.


It was necessary to feel paralyzing fear and helplessness, so that I could know Who my strength and help come from.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'" -Psalm 91:1

 It was necessary to know abject loneliness, so that I could feel the constancy of His companionship.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."  -Psalm 23:4

It was necessary to wallow in hopelessness, so that I could dwell in the hope that is only from Him.

"May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." -Psalm 33:22

It was necessary to see the darkness creep in and surround me, so that His light could break through.

"...even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you." -Psalm 139:12

It was necessary to cry out for mercy, so that I could hear His voice and know my redemption.

"Praise be to the LORD, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.  Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign LORD comes escape from death."  -Psalm 68:19-20

It was necessary to express despair, grief, hurt, anger with my whole being, so that I could sing of His comfort, His grace, His peace, and His joy with my whole soul.

"But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.  I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone." -Psalm 71:14-16

All of it was necessary.  Did I like it? No.  Do I "count it all joy?" Not yet. Did it suck? You bet. But was it necessary? Absolutely. During the two weeks in between the initial sonogram and the amnio results, I was talking to a friend of mine about how I was begging God for positive results. Without skipping a beat, she told me that only during the awful times in her life did she really learn the most and maybe that's what God had in store for me.  That wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it was exactly what I needed to hear, and exactly what happened.  Only through that kind of suffering could I have possibly drawn that close to my Sustainer, could I have learned lessons so life altering, and could I have changed so much.  James says, "you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Five years later, I am lacking less, but I know that God continues to chip away at those areas that need the most work, sometimes with a chisel and sometimes with dynamite, but all of it necessary.

*Happy 5th Birthday, Elizabeth Tanner Henry!*